His Complete Package: A Fanfiction Parody
by Blue Cichlid
Summary: Sansa meets her perfect man ... and his package.


"Bwhahahaha, I am so evil!" declared Lord/Ser/Prince/King Badman as he menaced Sansa in a sexualized manner.

"Oh, my life is so terrible and I am so weak and helpless," sobbed Sansa. "If only someone would come and save me and lead me to a life of self-actualized socially-integrated happiness!"

Suddenly Lord Woobbie-Mann leaped out from the shadows and dispatched Badman with a thrust of his mighty sword. "Behold sweet lady, it is I, whom you shall now be required to marry for non-specific plot reasons! We shall now go back to my castle where I am forced by circumstances to immediately consummate our union. Although I personally find such an idea distasteful because I respect your personal integrity and deeply adore you despite the fact that we have just met, I will be compelled to make love to you in a sweet yet manly and inexhaustible way that erases all trauma you have suffered from years of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse."

Sansa batted her eyes. "Even though I have been abused and betrayed by everyone I have known for years, and I have no reason to believe you are any different, I immediately sense that I can trust you."

"That is true," declared Lord Woobie-Mann. "Although I am based on a canon character with many flaws and a complex plot arc, since meeting you I have no goals or ambitions outside meeting your needs. Let me now whisk you away to Castle Woobie-Mann where your dreams will come true."

"That consummation of our plot-required union was wonderful," exclaimed Sansa the next morning after her tenth orgasm. "You were so sensitive and understanding, and never suffered from premature ejaculation or difficulty sustaining an orgasm."

"Please, sleep in," Lord Woobie-Mann said. "You can expect to become pregnant immediately, as the Woobie-Mann men are extremely fertile. In fact, you are probably pregnant already, with twins. I can tell from the way your breasts look particularly luscious. I shall now depart to sit in a closet until there is another opportunity to meet your needs."

He vanished in a puff of smoke.

There was a knock on the door. "Hello, it is I, your new servant. Please call me Fawn," said the young woman, who was much less good looking than Sansa. "I have waited all my life to serve the wife of Lord Woobie-Mann, and I am now utterly loyal to you. May I please sleep in a dog-bed on your floor?"

"You know that I don't particularly care about you and have no intention of thinking about you much or doing anything nice, right?" Sansa asked.

"Oh yes,"said Fawn. "Our relationship is completely one-sided. I prefer it that way. And I am, of course, utterly trustworthy."

"Yes, I can sense that," said Sansa. "Later, if I am not too busy, I will tell you how to live your life. Being of noble birth makes me much smarter and wiser than you."

"Oh, thank you," Fawn said.

Lord Wobbie-Mann appeared. "Please, accept this beautiful dress, and these large jewels."

Sansa fluttered her eyes, and her breasts heaved. "Oh I cannot possibly," she said. "These are far too wonderful for me. Fawn, make sure to lace me up tight and make sure I show lots of cleavage."

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," Lord Woobie-Mann said when Sansa was dressed.

"Oh, I didn't know that," said Sansa, blinking her eyes and tossing her hair about. "Although I am extremely attractive, I have no vanity about my looks."

"Let us go for a leisurely walk so that I may show you my palatial castle. Even though you only arrived here yesterday and know nothing of my household, people, or region, and you are only sixteen years old, I am going to give you vague and non-time consuming responsibilities so that you may boss people around. I am a progressive forward looking man who respects your abilities despite your gender and am committed to a discrimination-free and non-oppressive relationship with you."

"I've been working thirty days straight," said Fawn. "May I have an hour off to visit my dying mother?"

"Get back to work, peasant," said Lord Woobie-Man.

"This doesn't bother me at all," said Sansa. "Have I mentioned that I am a very compassionate person?"

Lord Woobie-Mann introduced Sansa to his female relative Newbestfriend, who was less good looking than Sansa and not as important, before vanishing in another puff of smoke. Newbestfriend was busy preparing a large ball to welcome Sansa to the castle.

"Oh, I love you so much," she told Sansa. "You are so wonderful. I could never accomplish everything you have done in the course of this fic."

"Well," said Sansa. "Having ten orgasms in a night is pretty hard work. I'm quite sore. And have I mentioned that I was menaced in a sexualized manner by Lord/Ser/Prince/King Badman?"

"You are the strongest person I have ever met," said Newbestfriend.

"And my beloved family is all dead. Hearing about it was extremely tragic for me. Also, the North that I was raised in has been devastated. I'm very upset about that. Not upset enough to actually go there, of course. But I have thought about it twice."

"I'm arranging to invite lots of people who have insulted you to the ball so that you can humiliate them with your new power as Lady Woobie-Mann."

"I'm very forgiving, and I wouldn't enjoy that at all," said Sansa. "Here is a list of people to invite."

"Now that I have finished all the hard work of arranging your ball, I need to go and find myself a dress to wear that is not as nice as yours." Sansa had no further need of Newbestfriend, so she went away.

Suddenly, one of Lord Woobie-Mann's knights leapt out from behind a bush. He had a large black moustache. "Now I shall have my way with you!" he declared, leering at Sansa. "Bwahahahah."

"This makes no sense," said Sansa. "It is broad daylight in the middle of the castle, and you are bound to get caught by my husband. He's sworn to kill anyone who harms me, you know."

"Although it means certain failure and death, I am determined to ravish you," said Ser Moustache.

"Oh no," cried Sansa. "Who shall save me?"

Lord Woobie-Mann appeared. "Look how awesome I am in comparison to this dastardly villain!" he said, running his hand through his long wavy hair. His firm buttocks flexed as he beheaded the knight.

"I may have an orgasm," said Sansa.

"I'll take care of that," said Lord Woobie-Mann, as he handed Sansa a puppy. "Thank you for honoring me with the privilege of you presence in my life. All hail Lady Sansa Woobie-Mann, the most accomplished, wonderful, beautiful, special person in the history of time."

"Sweet," said Sansa.


End file.
